Indian Marriages: A Choice Between Wife and Mother

Indian Marriages: A Choice Between Wife and Mother

Introduction

Getting married is a stage in one's life, where two people decide to be together for the rest of their life and share their time, emotions and feelings. Decision can be taken either by the concerned couple, on its own or they decide to be together by the wishes and choice of their respective parents. The end result in both the cases is that you are accepting a new person in your life and by doing so you are trying to "change" the pattern of your life. We all know that "Change" of any kind has always been resisted and it require very high level of "maturity", "Understanding" and "adjustment". Many times, many people fail to address this issue and hence end-up with very high level of stress, resulting in burn-outs, violence and some health related issues. In this article, we will be reading about the position, situation, role, expectations and challenges of a Husband.

Expectations of a Mother

1. A mother is the one who gave you life and carried you in her womb for nine long months.

2. She was the one who understood your needs, wants and expectations, when you were not even able to speak.

3. She fought for you and defended you all the time, even when you were wrong. She was your first teacher.

4. She taught you lessons, which you would not have learned on your own or in any university of the world.

5. She fought with her husband, when you were in need of money.

6. She woke-up early in the morning to prepare breakfast for you and to pack the lunch for you.

7. She always made sure that you eat on time.
8. She never slept on nights when you were sick, she just sat beside you.
9. She was your first friend.
10. When you were sad, hurt and in pain, she listened to you and motivated you…gave you hope.
11. You shared your emotions, feelings, experiences with her, without any hesitation and she always listened to you and never complained. She listened to you, even then when she was not even able to understand as what you are saying…but she never let you know that.

12. She did all this and many more things for you without complaining.

After your marriage her only expectation is that you continue to be the same person as you were before; talk to her, give time to her, share with her and should not hide anything from her. Once you get married, she starts feeling insecure. She treats your wife as an intruder in her relation with you. She becomes more possessive about you and feel insure when you do not behave the way she want you to behave.

She expects you to marry the girl of "her choice" (Not necessary or a compulsion but a hidden wish). She expects you to treat your wife the way she wants her to be treated (this includes many hidden and unspoken expectations).

Expectations of a Wife

Just like what your mother has done for you and has gone for you; even the mother of your wife has also gone through the same. She too has same feeling, emotions and attachment for her mother as you have for yours. Her mother also feels in the same way as your mother feels for you. But then, there is a difference. She has left that house, that comfort, that attachment to walk with you for rest of her life; to make your Home. She is linked to your house and family through you. It is for you and because of you that she is there in this home which was yours, all these days.

Always remember, what you promised her at the time of marriage. This is an important ritual in Hindu Marriages and it is very significant. It goes like this:

"The Bridegroom gets up from his seat holding his bride's right hand. He then goes around the Holy Fire (Agni) from the right side, by lifting his bride's right feet at each step. This is done for seven steps. With each step, he recites a mantra addresses to the bride. (This is also called as Sapta-Padi or Saat Pharey)

These are the seven vows which are exchanged.
1. The first for food,
2. The second for strength,
3. The third for prosperity,
4. The fourth for wisdom,
5. The fifth for progeny,
6. The sixth for health and
7. The seventh for friendship

In some regions, in stead of walking the seven steps, the bride touches seven stones or nuts with her right toe. A symbolic matrimonial knot is tied after this ceremony.

The idea behind this is to pray to Lord Vishnu, the protector of life, for his blessings in marital life. The groom then recites a mantra to convey the following meaning: After crossing seven steps with me thus, you should become m Friend. I too have become your friend now. I will never discord this friendship and you should not also do that. Let us be together always. Let us resolve to do things in life in the same manner and tread the same path. Let us lead a life by liking and loving each other, having good heart and thoughts, and enjoying the food and our strong points together. Let us have undivided opinions. Let us have same and joint desires.

I will be Sama (one of the vedas); you will be Rig (another Veda).
Let me be the Heaven; you be the Earth.
Let me be the Shukla (Moon) and you be its wearer.
Let me be the mind and you its spokesman (Vak).

After all, these promises, she does expects you to be with her; love her, care for her, listen to her, spend time with her and protect her.

Dilemma of Son / Husband

Getting married is nothing but a change. Change in the pattern of your life. Your marriage changes your views towards life. Very often, in this part of the world males, at the time of marriages are not very much matured to handle this change. Even though, things around them are changing. Even though things in their own life is changing and this change needs high level of maturity, understanding and adjustment but this husband is not ready for this change; neither mentally nor psychologically. He wants to live in the same manner as he was before and that creates lots of problems. He listens to his wife; he listens to his mother but is unable to make decision and take stand.

This actually shows that the male is emotionally very weak.

Solution and Conclusion

Get married only then when you think that you are "prepared" to take new responsibilities; when you are ready for "Change" in your life. Don't marry, just because "people around you wants" to get married. For others, including your parents, relatives and friends, your marriage is a function but for you its "Life Long Commitment"; don't make any commitment, if you are not very sure of fulfilling it.

Mother should ask her son to treat his wife in the manner as she wants her son-in-law to treat her own daughter (s).

Wife should ask her husband to treat his mother in the same manner as she wants her brother to treat their mother.

It is easy to say but I treat families and relations like this; for example, I have one son and one daughter. Once they get married, I will be having two sons and two daughters.

Your life is nothing but a choice that you make. These are my thoughts and views; you might or might not accept and agree with the solution and conclusion.